I feel kind of uncomfortable with this, but here goes nothing... *** Art Supplies Wishlist ***.

Most of my friends don't really know I paint [abstract compositions] and draw [portraits/caricatures]. I don't talk about Art very often and I haven't really shown any of my work to anyone. I don't think I even have any pictures of it. In high school, I took several of the art courses offered- drawing, sculpture, watercolor, oil and acrylic painting, even batik and silk screening. (I also like making hair accessories and jewelry.) I wouldn't say I am "good." I would never call myself an "Artist." I don't have a "style." While there is a small part of me that does feel compelled to create, mostly I do it because I enjoy it.

Some of you might recall I am on a very tight budget and I have some medical issues [without insurance or any assistance programs]. So, I usually put my money toward things I need, rather than stuff I want. Not much is left over after that. I don't have a lot to entertain me at home and I don't go out very often. (I try to be less cynical and acknowledge others are considerably worse off than I am, but I still get tired and sad. I manage ok, but it's rough sometimes emotionally.)

For my birthday, someone bought me a Bob Ross oil paint set off my Amazon Wishlist. My boyfriend agreed to get me the additional supplies I'd need to start painting- canvases, thinner, a palette and an easel. I was over the moon! I had so many ideas! I couldn't wait to begin! Then hard times came upon us both and it just... didn't happen.

Things aren't much better financially or medically, unfortunately. I just had to do something nice for myself- it had been far too long! So, I decided to switch to acrylic painting [since supplies are less expensive than those needed for oils] and I've been skipping meals this week in order to buy a few items to get me going. I know that's bad, but I really need some fun, something to make me feel good. I know that it would be very positive for me to both pass the time and cheer myself up by doing some artwork. I have been blogging and camming for many years. I suspect I am a little burnt out, so what was once my saving grace isn't doing it for me right now. Perhaps finding a way to incorporate Art into them would bring back the spark for me. Either way, it may be time for a change, but I don't want to completely disconnect from the friends I have made through my online activities. A middle-ground is in order.

I'm not asking you to give me money, however if you would like to help me in some way, please peruse my Art Supplies Wishlist. I'd be very thankful to receive ANYTHING, no matter how cheap or small it may seem. I also want to share what I make in the future with YOU!

With Fond Affection,
TE

I am so excited, I could cry!
I have wanted to go back to college ever since… well, since I left!
Money and time have been the issues holding me back. Time could be
solved by taking evening courses, but as for money… *le sigh* thanks
to my own mistakes when I was young and naive, no one is going to give
aid to someone who defaulted on their student loans, evaded repayment
for 10 years, then was garnished for the debt. And as I am still
paying on my taxes from 4 years ago and with two more garnishments
looming for ER medicals bills from gallstones, I certainly don’t have
a cent to spare towards funding my education myself!

The news is- scratch that – the GOOD news is that I found free online
classes! The even better news is that they are from Princeton,
Stanford, Berkley, U Of Michigan and U of Pennsylvania. I gather that
it is some of joint philanthropic venture. Whatever it is, I am so
grateful!
There is some bad news though. The courses are not for credit.
However, many offer a certificate of completion for those that finish
them. Ultimately, I am ok with that. My real goals are to satisfy my
thirst for knowledge (as cliché as that might sound; it’s still quite
true for me) and to perhaps have some more things to add to my resume
so I can, hopefully, find a new job- one I actually enjoy.

On Monday, I start my first class: Computer Science 101 – Topics covered are:
• The nature of computers and code, what they can and cannot do
• How computer hardware works: chips, cpu, memory, disk
• Necessary jargon: bits, bytes, megabytes, gigabytes
• How software works: what is a program, what is “running”
• How digital images work
• Computer code: loops and logic
• Big ideas: abstraction, logic, bugs
• How structured data works
• How the internet works: ip address, routing, ethernet, wi-fi
• Computer security: viruses, trojans, and passwords, oh my!
• Analog vs. digital
• Digital media, images, sounds, video, compression

Sounds easy for me, eh? It runs for 6 weeks. Until June, that’s the
only course I have, for two reasons: 1) I thought it best to start
slowly and see how I adjust to studying while working a full time job;
2) There were no other classes that screamed “oh my < insert deity
here >, you must take this!” at me right now.

In June I, probably, will have Intro To Sociology and Fundamentals Of
Pharmacology. In July, if it’s not too much to balance, I hope to take
Basic Behavioral Neurology, Internet History, Technology & Security
and Fantasy & Science Fiction: The Human Mind, Our Modern World. In
the Fall (September), I am looking at Computer Architecture, A
History Of The World Since 1300, Greek & Roman Mythology and Social
Network Analysis.

I know some of my choices seem random and varied, but all of the
courses are either something I feel I need for future employment
purposes or something in which I have a strong interest and want to
learn more about the topic.
I hope I can handle this and follow through! If not, at least I won’t
be throwing everything away again!

I loathe "haul" posts, but I guess that's sort of what this is... so, uh, sorry. It's just so rare that I get to buy "fun" stuff for myself though; I couldn't help but share the excitement!

I bought: Bare Escentuals Bare Minerals Foundation, Tarte Amazonian Clay 12 Hour Shimmering Blush, Benefit Eye Bright pencil, Dior Show Mascara, Make Up For Ever Aqua Lip Liner, Hourglass lipstick.

I dropped $30.00 on a lipstick. Fuck!
No, wait. It's ok. I had a gift card! Whew!
I would never have done it without that! Well, it was the gift card, coupled with the fact that several things on my lust list were either no longer carried (The Balm products) or out of stock at my local Sephora. I actually had trouble finding anything I "couldn't resist." Now, that's a first!!!!

Ok, reviews...

Hourglass Lipstick in Raven
So, the extraordinarily expensive lipstick is a red from Hourglass. I was in the store for < an inordinate amount of time >. During that time, I swatched, literally, every yellow based/warm red lipstick in the place. I narrowed it down to 3. I have to give a nod to Make Up For Ever for their smooth/creamy formula and outstanding vibrancy; they just didn't have the perfect 'red-orange' for me. The 2 remaining were Hourglass in Raven and Kat Von D in Stiletto. (Actually, I swatched all of her Painted Lady shades, out of curiosity. I liked every single one. Oooh, dangerous! I'll buy a couple eventually!) I did the roughest road tests on those two: Blotting, smudging, smearing, dampening, rubbing and looked at each result under florescent light and LED light. They were very similar. Kat's was less pricey and maybe a tiny bit less opaque than Hourglass. Kat's faded to just a bit more of a pink tint at the tail end than Hourglass's after extreme road testing. They were both really creamy, but they didn't feel "thick." Hourglass had more of a satiny glide though. I figured I'd never have a chance to splurge on it again, so Hourglass won out. Trying it out at home, I must say it is easily the best lipstick I have ever owned. It just feels... different... luxurious. Sometimes you DO get what you pay for!

Tarte Amazonian Clay 12 Hour Shimmering Blush in Glisten
Like Nars Orgasm, this is a peachy-pinky-corally shade, but with more, um, shimmer. Milani Luminous is an excellent Orgasm dupe, but it caused some redness/blotches on my cheeks after long wear, so I don't like to use it. I read about Tarte's use of Amazonian Clay and thought it might be better for my skin. We shall see! (It does contain bismuth, talc, mica and zinc. I'm not sensitive to them, but others often are.) My initial impression is that it is perfectly pigmented and is very flattering on me - this coming from someone who does not like a healthy glow or the flushed look, yet this has that look. How odd.

Dior Show Mascara in 90 (black)
I snap up the ten dollar minis every Christmas. It was high time I shell out for a full size. What can I say? I love it; it does everything I want it to do and none of what I don't (er, except cost a lot, but remember... gift card... yay). Lengthens. Thickens. Separates. Awesome!

Benefit Eye Bright pencil
One of my problem areas is my eyelids. I don't have any other signs of aging, so I suspect they've been darkened/stained a bit from eyeshadows over the years. That's not an issue when I am wearing bold colours, but when I want a pale lid or to swipe and go, I need a little more even tone. This does the trick. It goes on quite thick and is creamier than expected, so some quick blending is necessary. (Sidenote: Ooh La Lift is the under-eye version. I swatched and roadtested it. At first, it went on as a rather frosty pink that was slightly slippery, but eventually dried to a more powdery light beige. It was not bad at all, but I think I prefer other products for that area. I know a lot of people don't care for Lemon Aid, but I like it for that purpose.)

Make Up For Ever Aqua Lip Liner in 17C
It was unbelievably hard to find a matching orange-red lip liner to go with my lipstick! You'd think the brands that make similar shades in a lipstick would have a corresponding liner; apparently not! I chose this one primarily because it was the closest match. However, I liked the silky feel of it so much and the fact that it withstood my extreme roadtests that I swatched all of the other shades too. There's not a lot of shades to choose from, but they are of great quality! I'd like to get a pinkish tint and a brownish tint for my kit.

Bare Escentuals Bare Minerals Foundation in Fair
For a long time, MAC Studio Fix NC15 was my go to foundation. It made me break out, but it matched me so much closer than any other line that I didn't care. Later, minerals became all the rage. A few years ago, I tried a couple of drugstore brands that were way too dark and I tried this one. While I was disappointed that Fair wasn't quite fair enough for me even though it was lighter than the drugstore versions, it did vastly improve my skin, so I switched. Then, I discovered Lilylolo and it was an exact match for my pale complexion. Unfortunately, I started to develop occasional red splotches on my face when I wore makeup from morning to midnight, as I had with Milani blush. I changed up my routine and swapped products in and out for a while until, sadly, I had to admit that Lilylolo had to be the problem. (Strange because it has the same ingredients as many other mineral foundations - minus the typical irritants. Argh!) I switched back to Bare Minerals. It is ok; good skin is worth looking a little less porcelain, I suppose. I do like the new sliding cover for the sifter.

Man, you'd never know how much I hate shopping from reading this! After several lousy days at work, this was just what I needed. Feel free to get me a gift card anytime, heh! <3

As I type this, it's 4:00pm on a Saturday afternoon. 36F. Sunny. (I suppose it's important to note that because this is about the time of year that I just can't take anymore "winterness" and I start to lose my fucking mind. Consequently, I either blog a lot and at length or not at all.)

Pamplemousse is stretched out in patch of sunlight in the dining room, pretending to be oblivious. Chou is curled up in a basket in the living room, truly oblivious. Shadow is serving as a kitty postage stamp on the corner of the bed, alternating between obliviousness and alertness. Porch Kitten is galavanting around the neighborhood. T is puttering. C is upstairs being a teenager. L is packing.

I? I'm baking cookies (chocolate chip) while I wait for Boyfriend to finish doing handyman type crap (currently, he's installing an exhaust fan in the bar to combat the smokiness) around the house so we can watch movies (White Heat with Jimmy Cagney, The Enforcer with Humphrey Bogart and Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark [remakes] with Katie Holmes).

Wow. I just realized what a cozy, homey picture that paints.

And it's about to get even cozier because his ex/baby momma, L (who had to move in when she lost her job and house), is finally moving out... and not just out of here, but out of the state! I hate how happy and excited I am about that because it's exactly the way that girl, S, [that T cheated on me with] was when I moved out... and I am nothing like her; I never want to be anything like her. But, as you can imagine, L's being here put a strain on our relationship and it'll be a relief when she's gone.

Speaking of gone, I still haven't really dealt with my Dad's death. I'm still just kind of pretending that it never happened and nothing has changed, but I know someday I will have to face it... and it's going to be bad. I need to get an urn for his ashes, but I can't afford one right now and that really bothers me. I think my mom is superstitious about having the ashes there with her (like it's his ghost or something), so the sooner I take them, the better. I actually want them around. It will make me feel closer to him. I will probably talk to them/him. (Don't judge!)

Mom is moving into a new apartment this weekend. She wasn't on the lease with my Dad and she couldn't afford that one by herself, so she's basically skipping out... except they won't be able to pursue her for anything and they'd have kept the deposit anyway, so no worries. Well, that's not quite true; I do worry about her being alone. I looked at reviews and used my super secret contacts from my tenant screening days to make a list of complexes for her to check out. I'm really glad she chose my top pick. I wanted her to be in a cute, safe, affordable place in a familiar neighborhood. She needed to have a wash/dryer in the unit because she still gets easily winded/tired due to Renal Disease. She's going to start dialysis soon, while waiting for a transplant. If an organ becomes available, she wouldn't be able to carry laundry to and from a laundry room after surgery for quite a while and since she doesn't drive, she couldn't really get to an offsite laundromat regularly either. I also looked for communities that were on the busline, for those same reasons. That way, if she needs to go shopping somewhere or just wants to get out of the house for a while, she won't have to depend on others all the time.
I did get upset though when she donated to Goodwill the stuff of my dad's that I had specifically asked for... because I couldn't get a ride out there on the day she wanted me to get it. Whatever. It's done. There's nothing I can do about it.

Work is alternating between some really scary moments and some really relaxing moments. They fired the new Accountant. I don't know if she was overwhelmed and had trouble keeping up or if she was overwhelmed and got lazy, but she was late all the time, left early and called in sick a lot and they found out she had 10 days worth of checks in her car's glove compartment waiting to be deposited. It makes me wonder about all those times she said she was "going to the bank." Where did she really go? What did she really do?

They offered me a promotion last Tuesday. The wanted me to move off the front desk and go upstairs doing, as they put it, "customer service... working with clients." They would discuss a pay raise after 90 days, if they were happy with my performance and if I was happy with the position. If not, I could move back downstairs to the front desk again. I agreed and we determined they'd hire a temp for the front desk and I'd start the new position Monday.

On Friday, they told me I would be handing maintenance, work orders and contractors instead. I didn't really care, except I could see a few complications... I don't really know much about home repair since I've never had a house and I only have a prepaid cell phone. I wouldn't know the necessary terminology or best course of action to fix something and I might not even have enough minutes/funds left to respond to the calls. Also, with me camming online so many nights, I worried about what would happen if I were doing a show and the pager went off. I wouldn't want to hurt my reputation or get chargebacks for stopping in the middle, nor would I want to cause liability issues for my employer. I explained this and said if they felt it wouldn't be wise for me to transfer, toi ust let me know and I'd certainly understand.

On Saturday night, they texted me and asked me to call them before Monday. I didn't get the text until the next day because T and I kind of have a policy of putting the cell phones away when we're spending time together... and we were celebrating our 12 year anniversary. I didn't have very much time/money left on my phone, so I borrowed someone else's and tried to call. They didn't pick up because they didn't recognize the number and I didn't leave a message since it wasn't my phone and I shouldn't really have them call me on it. I wondered if they were going to fire me because I wasn't a good fit for what they wanted me to do or because they thought I ignored their text.

When I arrived on Monday, there was no temp, so I started working at the front desk as I would normally. I assumed they hadn't found someone yet or the person hadn't been able to start that particular day. Later that day, a young girl walked in and said, "Hi, I'm A," as if I were supposed to know who she was. "Hello, how may I help you?" "I'm here to see < office manager >." Oooook. Office Manager didn't know her either. As it turns out, the boss hired her friend's kid (A) to answer phones for me rather than a temp. I was told to start training her. I did, but I sort of wondered if I would be training my replacement and if they'd fire me once she knew the ropes. Hmmm.
I was called into a meeting shortly afterwards and they told me that since I wasn't a good fit for the Maintenance Division, they came up with a special project for me instead. They wanted me to set up this [horrible] new Property Management software that we bought for $20,000 in 2007 and never used. They'd had five other people try configuring it over the past few years, but none of them could figure it out. Ugh. But, I am the most tech saavy person and I do like those sorts of tasks.
Rather than waiting for me to take the supplemental webinar (the next session wasn't available for another 2 weeks), they had me begin the following day certain I could learn it all on my own just by looking around inside it. For the most part, I did, but it's complicated, tedious, annoying and poorly designed, imo. Since no one told me the software has to be "compacted" each time you close it - not just "saved," I lost everything I had done and the system locked me out. Tech support said the only way to even be able to log back in ever again was to restore a backup. They couldn't tell me where to find one or how to restore it since they don't install the software and that we'd have to contact our IT person to do it. Super! It cost just $110 for him to comne out and then $110 for each hour he's there. (Dude totally milks the clock too!) To be honest, I don't think we even DO backups on our peer to peer "server." I'm probably going to have to start all over again. Grrrr. Fine. Job security + More time away from the phone, in my own private office with a window that has as lovely view of rows of pine trees divided by a little path, where I can crank up Pandora and while away the day doing computer stuffs. Fair enough.

Friday, they fired another employee. She'd been there 10 years. I don't know what she did; I don't think I _want_ to know. I did hear that "it was the worst insubordination in the history of the company" though. Considering the things I've seen go down without any sort of discipline, I can't imagine what it was! I didn't care for her much, but I felt bad that she got fired. Now I am the one with the most seniority and I won't have to fight over vacation days. More job security? Gosh, I don't even know what to make of it. For so many years no one did anything about the obvious staff problems. Now they suddenly care and people are dropping like flies? After she packed up and left I was also told another employee had given notice and would be leaving next week. Whoa!

I paused and took the cookies out of the oven a while ago. I deliberately didn't cook them completely, so they are nice and chewy. I've already had 6 of them and I'm not sorry. I am, however, more than ready to cuddle on the couch. If I have to help finish the smoke eradicator project in order to make that happen, so be it. Farewell... for now.

Sexpert Rachel Kramer Bussell was kind enough to send me a copy of her latest collection, Best Bondage Erotica 2012, for review! (Quite nice of her to sign it personally as well!)
I'm a fan in general of projects associated with her name, so in an attempt to be as unbiased as possible, as I sat down to read this one, I tried to keep in mind the reasons readers might choose the genre... What are their expectations and how well does the work meet them?

Erotic fiction tends to get shafted [pun intended?] when it comes to accolades in the literary world. However, I can't sing the praises of those that wind up on Rachel Kramer Bussell's radar enough! Typically overused porn vocabulary is kept to a minimum; this titillating collection is more than just a bunch of dirty stories - some fact, some fiction. There's quite a bit beautiful prose herein. Standouts like Craig J. Sorensen's "Worth Redemption," Elizabeth Coldwell's "A Night At The Opera" and Teresa Noelle Roberts' "Suffer For Me" have an almost poetic flow, without sacrificing an ounce of horniness. Pieces like "Trophy Boyfriend" from Lucy Felthouse, "As Long As You Don't Wake Me" by Neil Gavriel and "Knot Alone" by Kathleen Tudor have a real conversational and conspiratorial tone that draws you in.

While tastes vary, there's enough variety to interest the merely curious, the novice and the initiated kinkster. Straight, gay, bisexual, voyeurism, exhibitionism, the physical aspect, the psychological aspect, couples, strangers and even the taboo topic of self bondage - Best Bondage Erotica 2012 delivers it all, complete with a foreward from rope bondage guru Midori.
I was particularly pleased to see both male and female writers represented. Also, as a nice change from the oft penned age play and cross dressing themes, quite a bit of Femme Domme tales featured, yet each still manages to incorporate some other kinky elements as well, thereby keeping it intriguing to those who aren't necessarily into that particular scene. You'll likely find yourself speculating about how the characters got onto this path, what they will do next and what happens to them after their tales have been told. That kind of connection, folks, is one of the hallmarks of a good book!
Whether you're looking for masturbation material, some ideas to spice up your sex life or simply enjoy reading erotic fiction, Best Bondage Erotica 2012 meets expectations and then some!

In the past I have said I don’t like to make “New Years Resolutions.” I think people get so caught up in the sense of “new-ness” or “starting over” that they tend to aim too high or take on too much, inevitably fail and then beat themselves up about it and/or make the same empty promises each year, accomplishing little. I feel it’s better for me to set a few reasonable goals for myself for the year. No pressure, no time limits – just try to do a few things differently, to improve, to do better, to incorporate some positive in my life. I know myself well enough to say what’s realistic and what isn’t. I’m also a fan of listmaking. So, here’s my list of realistic goals for 2012 and thoughts on each…

Personal Goals For 2012:

Shower daily (whether pm or am – no skipping days just because you didn't sweat or don't stink!)
This will make you feel better afterwards, even if you’re so tired/rushed you don’t think you can do it!

Brush teeth before bed [even if you’re too tired].
Remember Dentist is not an option for the uninsured living paycheck to paycheck.

Wash & moisturize face before bed nightly – no skipping!
This will still prevent breakouts and yet prime your face for makeup in the morning [since you’re usually too dry or too moisturized to apply if you wash in the am]. You'll save money on face products when you don't need anything for a 'quick fix.'

Take multi-vitamin daily.
This is also something that will make you feel better and probably look better too!

Put on _some_ makeup in the morning before leaving for work.
A minimum of concealer, eyeshadow in the crease or lined eyes & lipgloss will make you feel more confident and look more professional. [You can add foundation and blush later or build up more color once you get to the office.]

Eat a big breakfast weekdays.
You won’t be so hungry the rest of the day and that should help w/ weightloss.

Drink more water.
Bonuses: Fewer headaches, less hunger, reduce fatigue, improved skin.

Cook dinner at home M – TH (buy groceries as needed; get only what can/will be used!)
This will help you curb eating junk and eating too late + you’ll stop wasting money on groceries you don’t end up using.

Find a way to use MyFreeCams (MFC) that is interesting, unique, sexy yet fun and somewhat/occasionally profitable.
Schedule hour long meet-n-greets/q&a periodically, do burlesque performances, makeup tutorials, artwork, play games. Promote, promote, promote!

Lifecast/lifelog more.
Share “currents” i.e. what you’re waering reading, watching, bought, doing, etc. Promote, promote, promote!

Complain less online.
This impacts fans and followers and self-loathing. You can still share your personality & life without ranting or whining every time.

Post at least one blog entry per week on my site and crosspost it to cw (since not everyone visits your site or lj).
This impacts the acquisition + retention of fans and followers. Promote, promote, promote!

Update public webcam weekly
This impacts the acquisition + retention of fans and followers. Promote, promote, promote!

Try to interact more (keep up w/ forums, reply to comments & tweets/DMs,)
This impacts the acquisition + retention of fans and followers. Promote, promote, promote!

Update website template seasonally and/or for holidays
Coding is good for you- it occupies time, it’s fun to announce new designs & it draws new & old people to your site. Promote, promote, promote!

Do something artistic more often (i.e. draw, paint, scrapbook, do collages, make jewelry, hair accessories, apparel, etc.)
This is always a nice distraction and something outside the norm. You can incorporate it into your blog and webcam too!

My favourite time and setting in which to blog is over a leisurely coffee/breakfast, alone, in a quiet environment. I usually wake up with a clean slate emotionally and a head full of creative ideas. The combination enables me to word things just right and that in turn gives me the motivation to type them and bring them to fruition.

Today, I have been staring at a blinking cursor longer than I'd like to admit. I got up wanting some sunshine more than wanting to write (because it has been raining for several days), but my morning ritual started to get me there and in fact, the sun came out as I prepared things. As I switched on my laptop and sat down to eat/drink, the sun cruelly slipped behind the clouds and it promptly began raining again. It seemed like a metaphor for my life. *emo*

So, if the words won't come today, I'll think of those who inspire me and I can share something about them instead of just me, me, me.

These women all have something in common; they are beautiful, sexy women who create something special and radiate sincerity and strength.

Sunny of http://www.sunnycrittenden.com
Life-logging at it's finest! She has a way of making the most mundane things seem absolutely fascinating... her language, her creativity, her heart, the way she puts it all out there for anyone to see... She makes people believe they can do it too- and that they should! When she says she's a writer, artist and muse, she isn't bragging; those are just the facts, ma`am! :P

Trixie of http://www.tastytrixie.com (NSFW)
If I were asked to name one person who led me to do what I do online, it would be Trixie. She is the perfect balance of fantasy and reality. I love when I find someone who can stimulate the mind and body concurrently. She's the kind of person I am on my best days, the kind of person I want to be on my worst. I can't say enough complimentary things about her. (It's embarrassing, really.) I am a fan who would gush and stammer if I met her! :)

Mina of http://www.smokingmina.com (NSFW)
In a virtual sea of camgirls, webwhores, pornographers, "models," and "performers," she sets the bar high for those promising to interact. She's amazing at bantering and making you feel like you're an important part of her life. While she's an ace at making it all look effortless, she's also able to educate folks on just how much work it truly is without coming across as whining or condescending. She loves her work and it shows. I think even someone who isn't necessarily into her niches can still appreciate how she incorporates artistry into smut ;)

"Juicy" of http://www.juicylittlefatgrl.com (NSFW)
She is like a superhero! She's the most confident fat girl I have ever encountered, a ferocious fighter for fat acceptance and great defender of womankind! She is a self-shooter who can make her background look like a different room every photo set. Stellar lighting and set-design!

Muffin Von Chub* [tumblr] (NSFW)
(*Formerly Blu Velvet) A burlesque performer who knows her roots and can add a modern twist! I like looking at her so much that I couldn't possibly omit mentioning her, ha! She's so stylish, body-positive and fun!!!! She's exactly the kind of friend I'd like to have IRL to go out drinking and shopping. There aren't very many women about whom I can say that! :D

There. I feel a little better now.

My dad passed away on Saturday afternoon.

My grief and grieving process seems to be a bit manic depressive. So, if I am acting surprisingly fine considering or really fucking weird instead…. This is why.
For the most part, I don’t want to talk about this at all. Then sometimes I can’t stop. I’m laughing one moment, sobbing the next. I actually thought I would still go into work. (Pfft. Dumb.) Namely, because right now, the best thing is for me not to think about what happened; keeping busy and being around people helps me stay distracted. I figured sitting alone in my apartment with too much time to think would be very bad for me. (And it is…) However, I only slept a couple of hours last night, then when I missed the bus this morning (it’s usually exactly 9 minutes late and I was early- only a few feet away from the stop when it coasted by right on time, but I just didn’t have the strength to jog after it), I took that as a sign to stay home. I told our office manager, then I got 4 more hours of sleep. Now, I don’t know what to do with myself.

Tonight, I am keeping my hair appointment to get out of here for a while and maybe try to look better than I feel in hopes it will cheer me up somehow. I also need to get groceries for the week of meals here, to pick up my anti-baby pills and to grab a few last minutes presents before Friday. The challenge: I hope I can hold it together enough to do these things without becoming a spectacle.

He is being cremated. I will be receiving some ashes and need to find something to place them in soon. We don't have enough money for an obituary (the newspaper wanted $180 for only his name and city, wtf), funeral or memorial (he let his life insurance lapse before going into the hospital). So much for "closure;" I *need* the formality of that in order to deal with this!!!!!!
I don’t go back to work until next Wednesday 12/28. I had already scheduled my remaining 4 vacation days to use 2 right before and 2 right after Xmas to extend my holiday, now I’ve added 2 bereavement days to that. Not much of a holiday or vacation, given the circumstances.

I feel like my life is forever changed… and not in a good way…

I probably should update concerned readers on what's been happening with my dad and document it for myself too. (I'm sure I won't be able to get through it all right now or that I'll forget something pertinent and have to edit this later though.)

I spent all of last week going back and forth between my parent's apartment, the hospital and my office. One of my coworkers lives near my parents and was kind enough to shuttle me around. It's about an hour each way because of traffic to get from parents/hospital to work and vice versa.

Dad is basically the same. He's on a ventilator and 35% oxygen, which is down from 55% when they first admitted him, so that's a bit better... however, his blood gases are often 90 or below- not so great. (I believe it is 80 and below that get extremely dangerous.) Blood pressure and pulse fluctuate between high and low, but no fevers. He has been given liquid nutrients: calcium and fiber, basically, tube fed food because he's very malnourished; he weights 125lbs. They put him on propofol, fentanyl and an antibiotic (I forgot the name) initially. Midweek they decided to lower the propofol and start some ativan to slowly wean him off the drugs and wake him a little bit.

They've decided he definitely has COPD. One doc said they got the pneumonia about cleared up; another doc said he didn't have pneumonia and that was just the way complications from the emphysema/chronic bronchitis manifested. Nice to see we're all on the same page here! *snort* Either way, the shit that comes out when they suction his lungs is horrifying- thick as jelly and very brown from tobacco. They were having to do this pretty often when I was there last time because he was coughing it up and then choking on it as he swallowed it again. (Ew!)

They did the biopsy Friday. The doctor didn't have time between surgeries to discuss his thoughts beyond saying it looked like it was between stage 2 and stage 3 cancer. If he gets stronger, he might be able to do chemo or radiation, but it probably can't be cut out. Knowing Dad, he will refuse treatment.

By the end of the week he was opening his eyes sometimes, able to cough on command and squeeze hands. He's able to use those methods to respond to questions, since he can't talk right now. They did a tracheotomy, which is a hole/tube in the windpipe to keep the airway clearer. He's restrained because he is really agitated. He shakes his head "no" violently, tries to wave people to back away and he even made a [feeble - since he's way too weak] attempt to kick a nurse. In fact, he's so combative they gave him haldol, which is an anti-psychotic that is also sometimes used as an alternate drug to calm difficult patients when other meds aren't doing the trick or can't be used due to other illnesses or risks (i.e. heart trouble or, surprise, breathing problems). I suspect they probably think he has some delirium or delusions, but unless it's due to hypoxia (tissue damage from oxygen deprivation) he experienced while THERE or related to withdrawal from all the drugs they had him on, I really doubt it. I am positive he doesn't have dementia; there were zero signs of that before he was sedated and it isn't something that happens overnight!

The nurses are getting really worried that he won't be cooperative enough to be able to come off sedation. I don't know what happens then. I do know that the social worker has already started bugging my mom to get him out of the hospital even though he is still critical and not stable yet and put him somewhere else [like a nursing home[ [because he's medicare/medicaid and they won't get paid as much as they would with an insured person taking the bed - awful, sad, true]. The lady hasn't come right out and said it... yet... but that's the sense we're getting. Fuck them. By law we have 120 days to stay, if needed. It's necessary, assholes.

I picked up some nasty germs from the hospital myself. I had an incredibly painful sore throat. When it eased up I couldn't breathe through my nose at all. Now, I keep coughing. I wanted to go see Dad tonight, but I don't want to give him any of my sickness or make whatever I have going on any worse. Maybe tomorrow or Wednesday. :(

I want to document this right now; I need to put all the details in order and relay them before my mind starts altering them slightly, based on fear and my own experiences.
At about 7am this morning, my mom called to tell me dad went to the hospital in an ambulance because he couldn't breathe and she was about to follow them there in a cab. She said he's been complaining about having trouble breathing all week and she's been hounding him to go to a doctor, but he refused. She said he wasn't really eating this week either. However, she did say he hadn't had a cigarette in two weeks. (See?! He knew something was wrong and that it was bad enough he couldn't smoke!)

I told her to call me as soon as she found out anything. By 10am, I hadn't heard from her yet, so I called the hospital and asked for Patient Information. Of course, all they would tell me was that yes, he was there. I told them my mother was in the waiting room and asked if they could page her and ask her call me, since she does not have a cell phone. They agreed. Over an hour later, she still hadn't called, so I called Patient Information back and they transferred me to Admitting, who would only tell me what room number Dad is in. I wondered what type of floor that was, but they wouldn't even tell me that. (Turns out, it is the Critical Care unit.)

My mom took a cab back home around noon and called to fill me in: Dad has pneumonia in his lower right lung, blood poisoning (which they think is from the lung infection) and they found a big tumor on his voicebox. The attending physician said it doesn't look good from him [because of his age, his smoking, his poor nutrition and the size of the mass], but told my mom it was ok to go on home since he was going to be sedated for several hours. The ear/nose/throat specialist wants to do a biopsy to see if the growth is indeed cancer, but they have to get the infection under control first. They say the mass is spongy and almost like a fungus. Honestly, since my dad started getting hoarse over a year ago and recently could only whisper, I have no doubt it is malignant, so it will be a pleasant surprise if they find out it is not.

I had to call my sister in Vegas and give her the news. She started crying before I even got past dad went to the ER because he was having trouble breathing. Much like I had, she has been on him about going to see a doctor too. (I found out he he lied to her though and said he got checked out and everything was fine. She didn't really believe him, but that's what he said, so...) Sis asked if she should come out and I told her that would probably be a goo idea. She was going to call for a flight as soon as we got off the phone. She is flying out either tomorrow or Tuesday, depending on what's available.

I'm not ready to lose Dad yet. But, would I ever be, really?